by Kimberly N. Brown

(special to The Dreher Report

Been talking with a couple of people about the comments made by television talk show host and personality Wendy Williams on Tabitha Brown, actress and vegan chef. Brown made the announcement that she has asked her husband, Chance, a policeman with the Los Angeles Police Department, to retire so he can pursue his dreams. I am not a fan of Wendy Williams, but her comments prove she clearly is scarred deeply by the infidelity of Kevin Hunter, her former husband and manager.

So many of us are broken. No one talks about how to love in a healthy fashion.

I watched the clip of Williams basically calling Tabitha a fool for giving her husband the go ahead to follow his dreams after he stood by her to help her realize her dream. It was an agreement between both parties. After showing Tabitha’s clip on her show, Wendy predicted “this marriage is going to be on real rocky ground in a moment.” She even went so far as to mock Tabitha’s [southern] accent. What tripped me out is that Tabitha is so well loved, secure in her relationship, and grounded in herself and her faith that she didn’t clap back or lash out at Williams. Instead, she put Wendy in her place and gave her what appeared to be a sincere wish for love. She responded, “Wendy, honey, God Bless you … The pain you must be in to feel this way … and I am so sorry. … This is my prayer for you: I pray that love finds you … and holds you tight … I pray that someone will love you enough to see you … when you are not well. …”

So many of us are broken. No one talks about how to love in a healthy fashion. One of my favorite quotations about loving comes from Paul D, an ex-slave in Toni Morrison’s novel Beloved, who searches himself to find the words to express his feelings for Sethe: “Suddenly he remembers Sixo trying to describe what he felt about the Thirty-Mile Woman. She is a friend of my mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It’s good, you know, when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind.” Sixo, who was enslaved along with Paul D on Sweet Home plantation, was the original Sapiosexual. He’s not saying that Thirty Mile Woman completes him; he’s saying that she helps him see things clearly — most importantly, she helps him to see his authentic self.

I pray that someone will love you enough to see you … when you are not well. …

~ Tabitha Brown to Wendy Williams

Sixo’s love for the Thirty Mile Woman is different than that tired shit guys talk about when they say they want women to be their “peace” — the passivity of that statement rattles me. It’s a type of nurturing that is one-sided. I prefer the active quality of being a friend to someone’s mind. Life is chaotic and dangerous. There are many pathways to loving — but this way means someone is helping you see yourself the right way, who you ought to be. They are helping you to become the best version of yourself. That’s what Chance did for Tabitha.

What would happen if we developed an ethic of loving where we sought out friendships and romantic relationships that help us to sort each other out? Tabitha Brown made it known–and made it known clearly–that Chance, her husband, helped her to realize the best version of herself. Now, for all of his sacrifice on their journey, she gave him the choice to follow his dreams now that they have made it to the destination. Wendy, your gossip will not–no cannot riff on this kind of love. I join Tabitha in her prayer that love finds you (and finds you soon).

Kimberley Brown, Ph.D. is Associate Professor of Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies at Virginia Commonwealth University. She has published Writing the Black Revolutionary Diva: Women’s Subjectivity and the Decolonizing Text (Indiana UP). She currently is at work on two book-length manuscripts, IncogNegro Stances: Cross-racial Espionage in Contemporary Literature and Film (under contract with University of Mississippi Press) and Through Ebony Eyes: A Black Feminist and Ethical Praxis of Viewing Contemporary Film.

by Anneice Jones Robin

Special to The Dreher Report

Just finished talking to a friend. She has a newborn and people are pressuring her already to have another baby. I encouraged her to follow her heart and not allow others to butt into her uterus. I honestly believe if more women talked about all what happens with pregnancy and postpartum, that more women would choose not to have children.

The changes a woman’s body undergoes to bring a life into this world are truly amazing, but they are terrifying and life/body altering for many as well. So, when some mothers rush to work off that baby fat, don’t just brush off their frustrations or impatience. Know that many times it’s not even about the weight, but it may be a mother’s effort to regain once again a sense of normalcy and familiarity she had with her body before pregnancy.

Settle in. This is about to be TMI. Oh, well. I still would choose to have children but more knowledge about pregnancy and postpartum would have served me well. Like, I am about to be 8 months postpartum, and my organs and abdomen feel bruised to the touch on the inside. Every time I try to do any ab work, I feel like I’m about to tear something. My C-section has caused the skin on my stomach below my belly button to have very little feeling. My muscles were strained during my firstborn’s delivery. I have to have surgery on my rectum. Why? Because I can’t have a complete bowel movement most times without doing an anal douche.

I honestly believe if more women talked about all what happens with pregnancy and postpartum, that more women would choose not to have children.

Stop asking women “when will they have children?” or “That’s the first one; when are going to get the second one? You know you ain’t no spring chicken.” You don’t know if they even want to have children. You don’t know what it took for them to have the child or children they currently have. You don’t know if they can have children. You don’t know if their lives are set up in a way that they feel comfortable having them.

The changes a woman’s body undergoes to bring a life into this world are truly amazing, but they are terrifying and life/body altering for many as well.

I was guilty of making these same asking points for a very long time. Then I began to think what if people asked “so when are you going to buy a house?” or “You should quit teaching, because you’re so good at [fill in the blank]” or “you would be an amazing [fill in the blank]” or “When are you going to get a PhD? You ain’t no spring chicken.” These questions speak to the whole woman; they speak to life outside of the womb.

I mean the world thinks it has a right to butt into a woman’s uterus and the right to tell her what to do with it.

To all my friends: If I’ve ever butted into your uterus, please forgive me.

Anneice Robin Jones is an English Language Arts Teacher (ELA) at Korea International School JeJu and Teacher at Mansfield ISD. She is from Omaha, Nebraska. A mother of two boys, she is married to Tremuir Robin.